Balancing the Coin

How does one find balance, when life makes you feel like a coin in the air, flipping end over end as you try to navigate the nasty topic of finding yourself…?

On one side there is the light side of the soul; compassion, a love of books, curiosity, playing games of all sorts, empathy, wandering feet, a vast music library, and a desire to love deeply…

Then there is the other side of the coin, a much darker and colder side; numbness, promiscuity, drunken nights, thoughtless words, anger, destruction, and a deep choking feeling that the world will never get better.

This is my coin, flipping endlessly in the air… Some days I find myself on one side or the other, and then there are days I find myself flipping between the two multiple times. No matter what I do I can’t settle this feeling, or bring the two points to an even plane. I always feel forced to choose between the light and the dark… Some days I wish it would hit the ground, so I could at least find contentment in one side or the other, but I’m stuck with this constant back and forth…

And with that there is an added weight of guilt when I find myself unable to balance the coin. People try to give words of encouragement at my efforts, and try to tell me how difficult it is to truly balance the coin, but that doesn’t stop the feelings…

However, nothing is worse than the numbness on the dark side… Because when that sets in all emotions evaporate; unable to fill the emptiness that I feel. Motivation is gone, joy is nowhere to be found, even music just becomes background noise. The only thing found in the numbness is cynicism, which is probably the last thing I need at a time like that… With the cynicism, the rest of the coin fades away. Sex is empty, adventures seem pointless, books are just paper, and even alcohol just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. When I’m numb I feel a sneer set into my face, and I lose focus of almost everything… Both physically and mentally.

Recently I’ve found the numbness more common than the rest of the coin; it even seems to bleed through to the light side. When it sets in I withdraw deep into my own head and sit there in the dark, empty, blackness… Wishing the light would turn back on so I could continue living. Some days I hear faint calls from the people that I care about, words float in that try to rescue me from the darkness, but it rarely works…
I just sit alone, watching the world spin on without me…
I don’t even feel the coin anymore…
Thoughts of balance are gone. No sex, no books…

Just numbness…

(Originally written in December 2015)

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