Bloody Head Wounds

Please excuse me while I
Scream endless obscenities into the wind;
Pour my heart out into the wild
White/Green of Portland’s winter landscape.

Don’t mind me if you see me
Spontaneously sobbing my frustrations
Into a bottle of booze.

Please look away
If you see me rocking back and forth
Muttering to myself in some
Desperate attempt at comfort.

I’ve had just about enough of my
Cancerous ways.

I could do without the strong sense
Of Empathy…

I would like to break
This awful shell that makes me feel
Isolated from the world.

I would really appreciate
Some sense of stability,
Or even just a solid grasp on
What direction I would like to travel in
Other than side to side.

But all these thoughts keep haunting me.

Things that I thought I’d worked through
Like to rear their ugly head
At the most inconvenient times…

Decisions that I made one day
Feel foreign the next,
But are back to ‘normal’
The day after.

Vicious things that people said
Months or years ago,
Still sting to this day…
And keep me questioning
What kind of a person that I am.

One of these days
I would really like it if
My head would stop spinning…
Or that this anxious feeling that
Constantly wraps itself around my lungs
Would let up for more than
A stolen moment when
I’m with the man that I love
Madly, deeply, almost frighteningly.

But until that day comes…
I guess I’m stuck:

Bashing my head against a brick wall.
Waging a war that I’ll never win,
Because it’s a war against myself…
Or my other self…
Or my past self.

Spending restless nights with the
Ghosts from my past,
Who refuse to stop
Screaming at me.

Feeling like a disappointment
No matter how many times people
Tell me how together my life is.

 

I’m stuck in an endless duel
That I’ll never win,
And I’m scared that I’ll never
Learn to let go
And stop fighting

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