Passing Up a Clean Break

I’m not sure which is worse;
Being anxious and not knowing
What is causing it
Or identifying the cause
And not being able to do anything
About it anyway.

The tea doesn’t help,
Breathing brings minimal improvement,
And I can’t really see talking doing much good,
Because It’s an unknown
Variable anyhow.

I was never good with
The unknown…
But this, this is
Driving me up the wall.

I do my best to not regret
Decisions that I’ve made,
But I’m starting to regret
Agreeing to stay friends after
The break up.

It took two years for you to
Give me space
Without screaming bloody murder.

You held on so tight
That you held us both in a place
That caused a lot more damage
Than even the break up
Could have caused.

You felt yourself entitled,
Demanding information that you
Had no business knowing…
Then treated me like a pariah
When you got the answers that you wanted.

You were cruel,
You were hateful,
You made me feel so small…
But then the hatred turned inward
Like a light switch was flipped
And with self-deprecation that strong
I felt like you took the words
Right out of my mouth,
Taking my reaction as your own,
Stealing the right I had to feel
Anger or hatred towards you.

I don’t want to hate you,
But I can’t comprehend what
Life would look like if I allowed you
To stay in it… After all this.

And when I think of you and him
In the same room,
It feels like the onset of
A heart attack.

But I did tell you that
We would be friends…
So I guess I’m stuck
Feeling like my heart
Is about to beat right
Out of my chest…
Gripped with terror
Over what the future
Will hold.

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